Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
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this is the greatest thing ever
I’m not saying my 4yo is an optimist, but while putting groceries away he held up a bag of cookies and said “I’ll just keep these in my room, ok?”
i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Thanks for coming to my TED talk.
You didn’t say anything.
Yes, you’re welcome.
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Just think: right now, your body is cookin’ up some poop.
succession fans be like “the next episode is gonna be CRAZY” and the episode in question is “sign this piece of paper” “no”
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
[CREATING GROUNDHOGS]
GOD: a rat dog
ANGEL: check
GOD: that whispers to white people
ANGEL: what?
GOD: about the weather
ANGEL:
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
we should absolutely get off work for Leap Day. you’re making me clock in on february 29th? a totally made up day? time is an illusion and so is capitalism. i’m going to the park
I’ve got 19 yo boys lining up to mow my lawn. Cougar game strong? Nah, I just make a mean lasagna.
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Found an ibuprofen on the floor and immediately popped it in my mouth because I’m sure something hurts somewhere.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically
Buy a ticket to Finding Dory and yell “She’s right there!” every time she comes on the screen until you’re escorted out of the theater.
local news anchors be like “dry cleaners robbed. more as it unfolds” or “priceless da Vinci stolen. details are sketchy” or “pool hall tables vandalized. cops have just scratched the surface” or “building elevator plunges. residents feel shafted” or “
The part of the Harry Potter movies that I found most unbelievable was that mostly unsupervised teenagers never had wild keg parties.
Question of the day :
If the early bird gets the worm, why do good things come to those who wait?
#WarAgainstPorn because they’re having sex and we’re not. No porn for anyone until everyone’s having sex, ok?
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
*me filing for unemployment*
Unemployment office: be sure to call back between 11am-3pm as those are our hours
Me: so you’re only open 4 hours
Unemployment Office: yes any other questions
Me: yes how do I work at the unemployment office
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.