COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
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the hardest part about boxing is not falling in love with your opponent when he hugs you
Relationship status: the doorbell rings, my heart is pounding, it’s the pizza delivery guy. Three-cheese, double toppings, thick crust.
I prefer doing arithmetic naked. Means I can count to 21.
Happy Alien Day. Did you know aliens do not abduct people, but they’re very fond of socks and Tupperware lids.
Americans should be asking Santa for better presidential candidates and nothing else.
Not to brag, but my son’s principal hasn’t called today.
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next
the first guy to ride a horse was all like GIDDYUP HORSEY and the horse was all like DAMMIT WHO TOLD HIM THAT MAKES US GO
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
*watches Forensic Files for tips*
*taps pencil*
*scribbles “DON’T GET CAUGHT”*
*taps pencil*
*pauses*
*underlines it*
her: wanna be my fwb?
me: friends with bacon???
her: …
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
Her: YOU’RE A PIECE OF SHIT!
Me: Well… at least I’m not all of the shit
The revolution will be televised, but interrupted by a live breaking story about a new panda at the zoo.
Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
Returning to the office, after working from home for 18 months, and all I worried about was would I have enough snacks to get me through the day