7 year resume gap marked “Not Drugs”
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Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
That awkward moment when both your knees are bruised, but all you did was gardening..
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
me to my boyfriend: hey hey you you i don’t like your girlfriend
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
went to the beach and pissed on a jellyfish before it had chance to sting me
“Excellent choice, sir. And what temperature would you like me to microwave your steak to?” – The Honest Applebees Server
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Twitter is the new flypaper.
Just did that little side to side “oops we keep choosing the same direction and getting in each other’s way aren’t we silly!” dance with someone and she ended up saying “oh just move out the way! Idiot”
That’s not in the rules!
My son has to write 5 sentences tonight.
Our family thanks you for your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
If I had a jet pack I would look AWESOME dying within the first 2 minutes of having a jet pack.
I probably should stop talking about how dumb my dog is considering he’s been homeschooled his whole life.
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
You hear about separate beds or even bedrooms saving a marriage.
Bullshit. Separate pizzas is the key to happiness. Trust me on this.
Me at dinner on a first date: I’m not answering any more questions without a lawyer.
Coworker: Are you into heavy metal?
Me: Uranium is OK I guess.
C:
M:
C:
M:
C: I like Metallica.
That’s not even on the periodic table
Here’s a large bag of googly eyes. Paste them on literally everything.
– me as a therapist
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.