Horrifying if literal: my girlfriend is a gym rat.
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me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
daughter: do you realize that you talk to yourself?
me: so you won’t answer when I call you but you’ll eavesdrop on my conversations?
daughter:
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
Realtor: I’m sorry but you need to drop your asking price.
Aquaman: absolutely not, it’s oceanfront property.
Realtor: again it’s ocean bottom NOT oceanfront.
Aquaman: but-
Realtor: come on man, four people drowned at the open house.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
Me: For my 1st wish I want a box of Triscuits
Genie:Are u sure? U can buy them at any store
Me:My 2nd wish is for u to mind ur own business
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
My psychiatrist said I have a case of acute narcissism, but if you ask me it’s better described as downright adorable.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
{Working as a bouncer}
ID please
*looks*
Okay you can go
*softly kisses their forehead first*
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I’m never hungrier than when someone says they’re paying
me: [in bed, hears a weird noise] wtf was that?!
dracula: [bursts out of my closet]
me: did you hear that too?!
dracula: yeah wtf was that?!
I passed out in an alley last night and woke up being initiated into a raccoon street gang.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
Interviewer: It says in your CV that you are quick at maths. What is 23 x 39?
Me: 69.
Interviewer: That’s not even close.
Me: No, but it was quick, isn’t it?
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
If I could have dinner with anyone alive or dead I would just have two dinners.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.