I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
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Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
UPS guy just acted like he’d never seen anyone answer the door in a super hero cape & a straw farmer hat.
All underwear is edible if you aren’t a coward
Shopkeeper:This is made of pure virgin wool sir.
Me:You see I m not interested in the morals of the sheep.Just tell me,will it keep me warm?
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Every time I use hand sanitizer I wonder about the 0.1% of bacteria that isn’t killed.
What the hell kind of scary shit is that?
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
got banned from Trader Joe’s for my controversial political opinions (or because I keep taking cheese into the bathroom)
It’s my mom’s personal mission in life to save me 20% on all my purchases by clipping out and giving me every coupon known to mankind.
I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.
Help, I’m hurt.
Try Lavender.
Why buy the cow when you can get milk from almonds?
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
Macbeth [waggling eybrows]: I know a spot
Lady Macbeth: out
Macbeth: but-
Lady Macbeth: OUT
A bank safety deposit box may seem extreme, but you don’t understand how hard it is to hide a box of Girl Scout cookies from my family.
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
My cooking show would just be an hour of me looking for Tupperware lids.
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!
BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
The name Corey is short for Coriander. Coreys will try & tell you it’s not but they are lying.
Me: *buys a bra*
The internet: you like BRAS? perhaps you like ONLY BRAS?? Do you need 10,000 BRAS? Do you need to see a new bra every .5 SECONDS?? HERE ARE ALL THE BRAS FOREVER!! YOU WILL NEVER SEE YOUR FAMILY’S POSTS AGAIN ONLY BRAS!
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
I will probably never be the tallest person in the room, but I will certainly be the highest
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
Choose your fighter
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.