I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
You Might Also Like
If you come up to my bedroom door and find a sock on the knob it means I’m having sex.
Probably with the other sock.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”
Well this is awkward. Apparently when my wife’s friend invited me over for a play-date I was supposed to bring my kids.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I hope this email finds you well. But if you’re well, that means you were able to answer my previous emails, so honestly I’d feel better if this email finds you unwell.
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
Dearly beloved, we are gathered together before God & these witnesses to observe the following: 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19
-Prime Minister
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
#Caturday
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
I’m currently number 43 in a queue on the phone.
Please, your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Ffs
That “Barbie” movie is so popular they should make some merch for it. Maybe an actual doll or something.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
*decides to workout*
*lays on ground to do sit-up*
*find skittle on ground*
*eats it*
*takes nap*
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
My boyfriend said we can’t hang out this weekend because he doesn’t exist.
If the prescription has anal leakage as a side effect, I’m not going to be playing nearly as much tennis as the guy in the ads
Doctor: “Do you think your alcohol consumption may be getting out of control?”
Me: *swirls drink* “No”.
I want my leggings so high waisted I can pull them up over my head and wear them as a hood