God: Come see this.
Angel: What is it?
God: It’s the human lifespan.
Angel: Wow their development is incredible. They start off so small and cute. Then get so strong and smart!
God: Fun right? Watch this.
Angel: Oh my you! What’s wrong with them?
God: I call it, 35.
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*goes to church
I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Cauliflower is just ghost broccoli.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Me: and i love that thing u do with ur tongue piercing..
Wife: OMG [storms off]
Me: WRITING OUR OWN VOWS WAS YOUR IDEA LYDIA
[Priest faints]
Best thing about dead batteries is they are free of charge!
“Have you tried… not thinking about skeletons?” my therapist asks.
I look at her.
I look at the skeleton inside her trying to trick me.
Apparently saying, “You mad, bro?” is frowned upon if you work in customer service.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
I wouldn’t say my husband and I are competitive but we do play a very cutthroat version of name that tune anytime a song comes on.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
[deathbed]
ME: Dear?
WIFE: I’m here…don’t worry, all your affairs are in order
ME: You found out about my affairs?
WIFE: What?
ME: What?
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
I brought a glue gun to a knife fight. Those knives aren’t going anywhere.
Happy 10th birthday to your dating profile pic.
When there were a lot footprints in the sand, that was a bunch of jesus’s chasing you
[receives death threat]
please stop flirting with me
Friday the 13th is still better than Monday the 16th.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
That’s it, teachers. Keep gloating on Facebook about your snow day. You’ll see my kids tomorrow after their breakfast of Coke & Pixy Stix.
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
There is safety in numbers, “TWENTY SIX” I yell at my burglar.
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about