At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
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I put my phone in airplane mode and it tried to sell me a tiny can of tonic water for £2
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
[1st date]
-I’m a fish whisperer.
Wow, what does that mean?
-*whispers* Fish.
Oh… Haha um what do you-
-*whispers right in her ear* Fish.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m super chill
professor x: we already have iceman how would that help?
me: yeah man
professor x: what?
me: [nodding] yeah
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Me: *giggling* No, you hang up
Cop: Other prisoners need to make their calls
This gingerbread house isn’t even close to fire safety codes get it together people.
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
It wouldn’t kill this religion to throw a virgin in a volcano every now & then.
Anyway, thats why they removed the suggestion box from Mass
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
Texting drivers running over texting pedestrians: a modern day zombie apocalypse.
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
Me: *listening to the puppy drink water in the next room* you’re creating urine. Please stop
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
went to the dog hairdresser and (u started reading so u may as well finish) I can’t believe how well she held the scissors in her little paw
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
INTERVIEWER: So…that’s it. Any questions for me?
ME: Do boxer dogs actually punch?
I: um no that’s not
ME: I bet they use a puppercut
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
ME:[just inaugurated as president] Where’s the nuke button
ADVISOR: why
ME:[crumpling photo of my 5th grade bully] I just wanna see it
I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
MAGICIAN: think of a card!
ME: ok.
MAGICIAN: is… this ur card?
[holds up card that says “UGH I HATE MAGIC SHOWS THIS IS CRAP”]
ME: holy crap
My 5 year old just hugged me and said, “Thank you for promising to sleep in my bed with me tonight, Mommy” and that’s why you don’t answer any questions before coffee in the morning