me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
You Might Also Like
[hijacking a hot-air balloon] i have scissors
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
Her: Do you ever listen to a word I say?!
Me: Sounds like a plan.
A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
[reverse psychology résumé]
Education: Arcane
Experience: You can’t afford me
Special Skills: (redacted)
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.
Guess I missed the memo on National ‘bring your camel toe to work’ day.
Nobody:
My 6-year-old: Can somebody in this building PLEASE tell me if black bears are nice?
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
Google search history:
Marawana
Marjawana
Is there a j in marawana
Wheat
Wheat for smoking
Free wheet
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
Choose a job that you love, and your boss will never have to work a day in their life.
Lifehack: Save your gently used pistachio shells to throw at weddings in lieu of expensive rice!
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
I wanted to be the last man on Earth just to find out if all those ladies were lying to me.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: writing a Hogwarts letter for when our daughter turns 11.
Wife: but she’s only 3.
Me: I need the extra time.
Wife: why?
Me: to catch and train the owl.