me: do you take walk-ins
dude at the crematorium: what
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Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
I wanna party with whoever decided to ditch their shitstreaked underwear in the bushes at the McDonald’s drive thru.
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Congratulations, Mrs. Smith. You have a healthy baby clown. Oh look, twins! Triplets! Somebody get a camera. Four, five, six…
How am I supposed to sleep now that I’ve realized 125 people have watched a video of me drunkenly making nachos?
…. And they didn’t even like it.
Me: “Can you go back four slides?”
Bride: “To the wedding dress?”
Me: “No, the cheese plate.”
Me: Wipes tears.
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
[movie theater]
*reaches into wife’s purse*
*pulls out lasagna*
me: Told you it’d work
ghost of christmas past: do you see how you have mistreated others
me: thats not me
Ghost: what? thats clearly younger you
me: nah thats not me
ghost: are you serious, go stand next to him
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
me: on second thoughts, hold the mayo
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
4 when I ask to play with him: please don’t touch my toys mommy
4 when I’m trying to take a relaxing bath: please accept every toy I own immediately
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Me: yeah so I think that Mario didn’t even care about saving the princess, he just really hated turtles
Game theory professor: w- what
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
When I say I’m tired, the “of people” is silent
Someone cut me off and I gave them the finger and my 7yo asked what it means so I said “it means you can go ahead of me” so you can guess what happened at school line up yesterday
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
“Yes, I’m here. I really need you to be more specific. I know a lot of Margarets.”
— God
I’m ready for the kind of love that sweeps you off your feet ❤️🖕❤️
Clueless is my favorite movie about how rich people have real hard problems too
Realtor: Full disclosure, this house is haunted.
Me: ok cool.
~6 mos later~
Ghost: Don’t you wanna go out with your live friends tonight?
Me: No silly! YOU’RE the only friend I’m ever going to need! Let’s talk some more about my childhood.
Ghost: [quietly sobs]