Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.
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If you offer me celery I’ll use it as it was originally intended, to beat you with.
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
What do you get when you expose a cow to radioactive waste?
A Mootation
Big Sex has us all fooled
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
My baby’s daycare teacher said tomorrow is pajama day which is awkward because I send him wearing pajamas every day
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me
weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
[1st date]
me: are you cold?
date: *shivering* a little
me: *putting second hoody on* that sucks
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
guy who has only been to ikea, walking into his second furniture store: can’t wait to eat the meatballs here
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
*listening to music at the beach*
6yo: Dad, can you play Baby Shark?
Me: No, I don’t have that song I can’t play it.
6yo: You can play it you just don’t want to hear it so you’re lying.
Me: That is correct, yes.
Give a man a fish, and you feed him for a day. Feed a man to the fishes, and you’ll never have to share your food again.
Always 🥴
biggest issues with Australia?
✅ no late afternoon coffee
✅ footwear
✅ lack of nukes
I congratulated a friend on his new baby on IG & his wife immediately sent me a message asking how I knew him.
I was his Sunday school teacher 25 years ago. Calm down, Brittany.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.