I let that asshole into traffic and he can’t even oh look he’s waving we’re friends now.
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a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people
Superman hides his identity w/ glasses & a side part. I wear a quilt w/ eye holes & it’s still “Lisa, you’ve been banned from this Wendy’s”.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
The first snow has arrived and now we will see how many don’t know how to drive
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
Ask your Doctor if Adderall can help you vigorously scrub your floors and alphabetize your clothing instead of studying.
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
[first date]
HIM: Can I call you sometime?
HER: [slowly slides napkin over phone] You can’t… I lost my phone
is it pronounced stephen or stefan? anyways he’s now pronounced dead, sorry about your dad kid *ruffles hair*
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Anyone interested in a 4 year old whose new hobby is wall art? Porch pickup only.
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
There is a very fine line between kidnapping an introvert and taking them to a party.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
The Last of Us is my favorite video game about the survivors of 2020
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.
Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
You know you’re from New Jersey when going through security & they only wand your hair!
This fishing rod sucks. I have yet catch a single oyster.
Coworker: What a crazy weekend!
Me: *takes a knee*
CW: What are you doing?
M: Protesting this conversation.