Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
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IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
If I ever make plans with you, please have backup plans.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
[watching Game of Thrones] last week was great, I paid attention to everything!
TV: last week on GoT..
Me: when the hell did that happen?!
Using spin moves while allowing an opponent’s sword to narrowly miss your head forces them to add majestic layers and volume to your hair.
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
Im bored… I think I’ll go to the mall, find a great parking spot and sit in my car, with the reverse lights on…
@SchmuckOnAHorse “Dad, why is my sister named Teresa?”
“Because your Mom loves anagrams, and Teresa is an anagram of Easter, the day she was conceived.”
“Thanks, Dad.”
“No problem, Alan.”
Just saw a disheveled man in a bathrobe run out of an uber to an atm. Whose client is this?
My kid is having lasagna for breakfast.
Omg I’m raising Garfield!!
How to Be Good At Twitter
1. don’t be
2. don’t have that be your goal
3. aim higher
4. seriously, go outside or something
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
Ryan Reynolds is my cousin
~ me flirting
~ also me lying
[Morning after wedding]
*dead husband lies on bed*
PRAYING MANTIS: [On phone] Mom *sobs* it happened again
MOM: Ok hurry up and eat his body
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
Me: {choking on something}
My husband: {whacking me on the back}
Me: OW STOP
I like this time of year because I can dig graves in my front yard and people think it’s just a cute Halloween display
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
The 4 stages after getting dumped…
1) Waiting cuz u thinks it’s temporary.
2) Throwing in the towel.
3) Getting a cat.
4) Revenge.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.