boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
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You had me at “define legal”.
[Argument at family dinner]
Wife: *Whispers to me* Don’t start taking sides this time.
Me: Why not? *sliding roast potatoes in pocket* They’re too busy yelling to notice.
“i want a liquid in my mouth but i want it to arrive in a tiny tunnel” – inventor of the straw
Dear guy lighting bottle rocket fuses with a cigarette that’s still in your mouth,
You’re going as a pirate for Halloween.
when you wait until you’re practically crowning to take a pregnancy test
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
Sign of the day..
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
The worst place to be quote tweeted…Divorce Papers
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic
Logic says the screw I dropped should be somewhere by my feet, but science says it’s under the couch in the other room.
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Oh I have Christmas spirit. The question is do I mix it with coke or do I drink it neat
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
INTERVIEWER: What did you like most about your last job?
ME: *leans in way too close* Leaving it.
[Pilot intercom]
Me: “Hello, this is the co-pilot speaking. Not to cause alarm but the pilot has passed out and I lied a lot on my resume.”
[1st person to try jogging]
Peasant: what chasest thou, m’lady?
Jogger: Nothing. I doth run for mine own pleasure.
Peasant: *suddenly holding a torch and pitch fork* WITCH!!!
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.
“Goodnight, don’t look at your phone too long”
“I won’t”2am on Wikipedia: “So *that’s* how they make bowling balls…”