Judge: you’re guilty of inventing the word ‘liarish’
Me: you can’t be seriousful
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Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
I always pencil in 45 minutes in my calendar when asking my daughter a question.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Our elf hasn’t moved in 4 nights. Daughter asked if he was in a coma
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
him, texting from the party: where did you go???
me, already home in bed: bathroom brb
Him: I gave up drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Me: I gave up.
Drinking, partying and casual sex for the new year
Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
Must have been so hard for our ancestors to find out which mushrooms were edible and which weren’t. “Sure, the brown one was delicious but the orange one killed Steve so idk about that stew, Jeremy“
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
The kids wanted the Zero Gravity Laser Racer, a toy car that follows a laser.
I handed them a flashlight and pointed at the cat.
airports are so funny. like “oh you’re flying across the country? would you like to hang out in a mall first”
FIREFIGHTER: You need to get out of here [dodges falling support beam] right now!
ME: [staring at toaster waiting for pop tart] come on come on
I was in a district team building meeting today and everyone had to say something they loved. They chose me first and I said vintage Pyrex and the leader said “not your husband or kids?” and this is a level of awkward I’d not experienced yet in life
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
I brushed my teeth without watching in the mirror and now my eyebrows are clean.
Doc thinks my mysterious headaches may lessen if I eat ice cream more slowly.
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.
A 16 year old climate activist wins the Nobel Peace Prize and I’m over here explaining to my 9 year old, for the 17th time today, that the hole in his undwerwear goes at the front.
You’ll use a different oven for the pizza, right? RIGHT?
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
My soon to be ex-wife just told me I need to face my demons.
WTF. I was looking right at her.
[Arthur’s Court]
SIR LANCELOT: We shall be’est known as the Knights of the Square Table
SIR CUMFERENCE: I doth like it but heareth me out…
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
My kid just ended a call with his teacher by saying “this call has been going on a bit too long bye” and honestly, goals.
well maybe the Bible is misspelled and my angle tattoo is fine.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?