I used to be married to an active, vibrant, happy young woman who decided one day to hang a bird feeder in the back yard, and now I’m married to a glassy-eyed, unwashed maniac that stands at the kitchen window all day screaming at squirrels.
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[PetSmart]
*approaches checkout with bird seed*
“that all for you today?”
Yes. How long does it usually take?
“For what?”
For them to grow
if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity
What if you told a lie to cover up your affair, and the lie was so good that 2000 years later people were still giving each other presents?
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
When I die, I want my ashes loaded in a howitzer and shot at a target. That way, when it misses and smashes a storefront, everyone will be like “yup, that’s Dean”
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Cats must think we’re so weird for constantly harvesting their poop.
CASHIER: Would you like a plastic bag you worthless, turtle killing garbage person?
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
i like dropping bombshells on my therapist in the last few minutes so it feels like we’re ending each session on a cliffhanger
Scientist “human beings are psychologically prone to fundamentally misjudging probabilities.”
Me “That sounds really unlikely.”
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
[on my deathbed]
me: make sure the kids remember their dear ol’ dad
wife: dave isn’t old
me: what
*spends ages choosing a ring tone.
*puts phone on silent
Me: *Posing nude for the first time*
Photographer: Absolutely stunning, but inappropriate for your drivers license tbh
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
I’ve spent 8 hours cleaning my house!! Keep in mind that this is over a period of 25 years, but still.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
if you mesopotamia, you better cleanupotamia
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
[puts baby in highchair]
Ohhh HIGH chair, I get it. That explains why all you do is eat, sleep & drool you stupid little stoner.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]