GPS: Take the next right.
Me:
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
GPS: Make a U-Turn.
Me: [Going 70mph down a hill in a Target shopping cart] I don’t know how to tell you this…
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Friend: I said be selfish.
Me dressed as a clam: Oh
*puts my mental health in rice
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
I am rubber, you are glue, that guy is ketchup, this is a terrible Halloween party.
My car lease is up and I have to return it back to the dealer today, so I’m practicing jumping out of a moving car.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
i never understood why we had to blow on the nintendo cartridge before eating it
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
need a new bf mines broken 😐
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
“Well, this is me,” I say climbing into a plant so that we’re no longer walking in the same direction after saying goodbye
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
Who called it a yes man and not an indulge gent
I just asked my friend to come over and “play husband”. He’s gonna be pissed when he finds out we are putting together shelves from ikea.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
How’s it going?
“I’m so glad you asked, really need to talk to someone right now”
You’re supposed to say ‘fine’ & ask how I am. Bye.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
Unless you are literally the Dark Lord Voldemort then a snake is just not an acceptable pet dude
Everyone needs to leave Twitter right now.
A pipe burst.
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
Skills
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol