Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
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*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
RED RIDING HOOD: what big pupils you have grandmother
WOLF: yeah I found some pills in the bathroom I love you they’re unreal you want some?
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Want to get noticed? Go jogging without moving your arms.
Therapist: How do you two keep the romance alive?
Me: I left him a message in red lipstick on the bathroom mirror last night.
Husband: It said REDRUM.
[Gets caught shitting in my neighbour’s cat litter tray]
“WTF are you doing in my house?”
I..um, *rubs neck* ran over your cat 6 months ago.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I exercise by keeping the whisky bottle on the far side of the room.
Dry sarcasm assumes the existence of moist sarcasm.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
You can put a satire warning on whatever you want. People who think Onion stories are real do not know what that word means.
how it started vs how it ended
I’m a kid at heart, an old man at my joints and dead at the pancreas
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
theres been a horrible success at the accident factory
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.
Why is it called a phobia-induced breakdown and not tears for fears?
Me: Would you tell a friend or co-worker if they have bad breath?
Wife: Of course
M: Even tho it’ll upset them?
W: Yes, must be cruel to be kind
M: *handing over mouthwash* You’ll be needing this, then
W: I despise you
I have a habit of 5 starring bad movies on amazon because if I wasted 90+ minutes on that crap, I want you to suffer too.
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
My first kid will be named Gotham. That way when I have to get up in the middle of the night when they’re crying I can say “Gotham needs me”
Don’t buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery