I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
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Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.
“Lets all start wearing weird ’90s mom jeans!” – girls now
I ran out of chips so I dipped string cheese in my queso and I guess I’m keto now
ME: So you could say I’m bad to the bone?
DOCTOR: Yeah, but we call it gangrene.
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
This is my emotional support knife.
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
😂😂😂😂😆😆😆🤗🤗😂😂
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Two reasons why I don’t let my girlfriend go into my swimming pool…
1. I don’t have a swimming pool.
2. I don’t have a girlfriend.
My politics are simple: one day I will be eaten by a gigantic worm. And anyone who tries to stop that from happening is my enemy
If you invite me, you invite my xylophone too.
[giving commencement address at graduation]
“My fellow graduates, the best life advice I have is: if you don’t already know how many calories are in a tortilla, never look it up”
All of our friends were having babies, so my wife and I decided we might as well go ahead and get new friends.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
Wife: I’m worried you love Harry Potter more than you love me.
Me: that’s riddikulus lol.
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: [pulls out Hermione Granger limited edition replica time-turner necklace] this better work.
Your first mistake was trusting me with leftover tiramisu in the fridge
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?
Me: this is bullshit. conditioner and shampoo in one? impossible
Walmart employee who I have in a headlock: sir I didn’t make the shampoo
If you were curious about my level of crazy, I woke up from a nap in my recliner and tried to put on a seatbelt.
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire
Show me someone who says they haven’t used chemistry since school and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t ignore warnings on bathroom cleaners
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve