me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
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You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Cops have a new radar that lets them see through walls into our homes but imagine if this technology fell into the wrong hands! Oh wait…
I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.
My doctor told me that despite my efforts, I’ll probably live a long life. I’m taking the news pretty hard
Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Creepy Singles in your area want to sniff your panties and drink your bath water
ME: isn’t it weird how you get corn in your poop?
DOCTOR: yes but I’ve never seen an entire cob before
me: *kicking stirrups* go on now git
gynecologist: stop that
The thing I hate most about my stationary bike is having to pick it up and turn it around for the return trip
Whoever named snakes did a great job. Those things are definitely snakes.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
Options For My Knees Being Shaved:
1. Perfectly shaved smooth with at least one serious cut per knee.
2. No cuts but patches of hair left.
3. Sasquatch.
Her: “Want to see a picture of my baby?” Me: “Does it look like a baby?” Her: “Yes…” Me: “Seen it”
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
Nobody learns to parkour faster than a parent chasing a toddler with a sharpie
Me: I love you
Husband: I love you, too
Me: Please remember that when you get the January Amex bill
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
Got kicked off from Instagram for eating my food before posting a pic of it.
One of my favorite memories is of the time my sister threw a pocket dictionary at me and my mom told her to go to her room and think about how hurtful words can be and then laughed to herself for like three minutes
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.