knights of the ikea table
You Might Also Like
When Santa’s helpers take pics of themselves is it called an Elfie?
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
the three branches of government
My beach vacation Google searches
When asked what deceased historical figure I’d like resurrected to be my dinner companion, I always answer Einstein.
When told it’s an uninspired, clichéd choice, I clarify Milena Einstein.
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
There is no such thing as an antique car. An antique car is a horse.
Negotiating with a 3 year old:
Me: pick out two books to read.
3yo: no five books!
Me: fine three books.
3yo: no five books!
Me: no one book!
3yo: no TWO books!
Me: ugh you got me, two books it is.
Christmas tree still up?
that’s a cat tree now.
Problem solved.
A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
When ITS SNOWING in SoCal you make a tiny snow dude ⛄️
This is the dumbest apocalypse ever
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I have never seen an alcohol company using a drunk person for any advertising, are they ashamed of their customers?
me: can i withdraw a million dollars
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
Bank robber: This is a robbery! Nobody do anything stupid!
My wife slowly turns to face me and mouths: You are gonna die
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Celine Dion: all by myself
CDC: good
CD: don’t wanna be, all by myself
CDC: sorry but them’s the rules
I’m hosting a mommy group next week and am thinking of buying a bunch of “how to parent a genius” type books to leave around the house.
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Age 10: One day I will get married and have 10 kids
Age 20: I hope I find someone neat
Age 30: *hissing sound*
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
Shoutout to the kitchen knob that grabbed the strings on my pants and undid them.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
ME: whose dog are you
DOG: I’M YOUR DOG I’M YOUR DOG YES YES YES TWIRL TWIRL
ME: whose cat are you
CAT: Possession is a solipsistic paradigm, Vivian. However, if I were to define myself as belonging to anyone, it would be myself. In this essay, I will DON’T TOUCH MY STOMACH