This is literally the only instance I’ve ever seen someone “asking for it”
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Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?
You, a basic, typical hacker: Steals credit cards and identities
Me, a diabolical hacker: Syncs your Twitter account to your phone contacts and unblocks your family’s accounts
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
The bad news is there was a lot of turbulence on my flight this morning. The good news is my phone counted it as steps.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
AC changed bail to basil, and now I’m sitting in jail with some lovely herbs.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
“Kids, grandma just had hip surgery so I need to warn you, she’s not herself.”
*grandma struts in wearing skinny jeans and smoking an E-cig*
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
The inventor of the elevator should be credited for the birth of awkward silence as well.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
This transition of power reminds me of when my grandma turned over Thanksgiving duties to my mom and the night ended with police showing up.
Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Meteorologist – Be horrible at you job and no one really cares.
Pizza Delivery Driver – Be five minutes late and people lose their minds!
Speed dating?
You mean pizza delivered in less than 30 mins…
I’m really scared society will collapse soon and there won’t be any more Doritos.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
When someone asks me if I could hold their baby I immediately drop my phone, try to pick it up and drop it again twice, and then say “Sure”.
Caesar: Et tu, Brute?
Brutus: We told you not to wear Crocs.
CONGRATULATIONS
It has been
2̶4̶ 0 days
since you last stepped in cat puke.
Getting emails texts and calls from school during the school year: WHAT DO THEY WANT NOW??
Getting emails, texts and calls from school in August: IS IT STARTING EARLY?! CAN I TAKE HER NOW??!