There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
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Finally
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
Whenever I see a good looking firefighter, I stop, drop, and roll, so he knows I’m knowledgeable about fire safety.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
My daughter and her friend Poppy were playing hide and seek and Poppy wanted to hide in the chest freezer but I told her that’s where we keep the dead bodies and now poppy’s no longer allowed over to play which suits me fine because Poppy’s a humourless snitch
Thanks for telling me about the paranormal experience you had in the room I’m about to sleep in.
My (27F) boyfriend (28M) won’t stop saying he’s “microdosing pants” whenever he wears shorts
My 2yr old pointed at my crotch and said, “Big pee pee!” I’m taking him with me everywhere I go from now on.
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Girl: I only date guys who can ice skate and make puns.
Me: *sighs and reluctantly starts putting on skates* “Figures.”
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
Just convinced my Mom she won’t get Wolf of Wall Street if she doesn’t see Teen Wolf first. Please play along.
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
It’s crazy that you get in trouble for trafficking drugs across the border. What if you were just doing someone a favor?
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
*Adds brown food coloring to hot water*
Me serving decaf
[strangers in goat masks dance around a bonfire as I’m being tied to a wooden stake] It’s getting pretty late guys, I should probably head out
Apple managed to launch IPhone 8 and make it outdated all in a span of 25 minutes #AppleEvent
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
shaking my gf awake from a nap to tell her it’s kermit the frog’s birthday