I can always tell when it’s closer to Christmas. My wife replaces the hand soap with the stuff that smells like gingerbread and I spend a week looking for cookies that haven’t been made yet
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JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
me: can you tell me what’s wrong with my car?
techician: sure..I’ll take a look
[later, ]
technician: it’s not too bad..
me: thank god..what is it?
technician: eh..just shit in the cylinders
me, completely clueless about cars: wow…how frequently should I do that?
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
the buddha: *on twitter* how dreadful. the karmic damage from this will greatly prolong your suffering in the cycle of rebirth
me: a lot of people are saying that
If you come across a bear in the woods, it’s best to just wipe it off and apologize.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I think LGBT sounds too much like a sandwich.
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
Sorry I sprayed bug spray in your face. Those fake eyelashes scared the hell out of me.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
[skywriting]
Karen, do you have the checkbook? The skywriting guy won’t let me out of the plane until he gets his deposit.
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.
Anchor:Actress Zooey Dechanel has murdered an entire town
Co-Anchor:Lol who murders a whole town
A:So quirky
C:Haha America’s sweetheart
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
You grab a lizard by the tail and those fuckers will just hit the “detach” switch and book it. If peoples legs did that, we’d be fucked.