Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
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trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
Pan Left To Soak Now Predates All Current Roommates
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns, or is it just me?
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
In 3rd grade the bus driver missed my house but I was too embarrassed to say anything so I got off at the last stop and started a new life.
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
My patronus is a cheeseburger
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
Walmart keeps two elderly people on staff at all times: one to greet you, and one to walk slowly in front of you on the way out.
She puts the hot in psychotic
Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
man: want a carrot?
horse: ok.
man: we’re friends now right.
horse: i guess.
man: great hey can you help me move.
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
TRUMP: Millions of Draculas are entering our country illegally from Transylvania. The security of our nation is a stake!
I wish I was as committed to anything the way infomercial actors are committed to over dramatizing their reaction to household chores.
My 7yo said she hurt herself, and when my 9yo asked her to describe the pain, she just yelled, “AAAAAAAHHHHH” 😭💀
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
My 7yo was asked what he loves most about his parents:
Mommy is cuddly, likes to dance, and makes yummy cookies.
Daddy is the only one in the family with hair on his face.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I’ve been battered by seafood puns
oh my cod
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
The journey of 1000 miles begins with a single step. They never tell you it’s downhill and you’ll be wearing slippers when it happens.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
Maid of Honor speeches shouldn’t end with, “I’ll see you all at her next one.” I know that now.