Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
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Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?
Me: I got it for my girlfriend.
Indian Chief: Good trade.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
I’m already getting anxious over Christmas due to my Santa Claustrophobia-the fear of being smothered in an elevator by a crowd of Santas.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who can’t get the dinosaur on his shirt to eat its food
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
My little brother tried his first edible and is currently writing the worst statuses ever
If I’ve learned anything from children it’s that, no matter what, if you have two socks, you have a pair of socks
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
*gets taste of own medicine*
Yep this is my medicine
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
Another interesting #factupdates post!
interviewer: for your most recent job you put down “i cleaned out my car some”
me: that’s right
interviewer: and for a reference you put down “my friend jarret”
me: he was there
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
Peanut brittle, because you have a craving for peanut butter and ceramic tile.
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
Girlfriend – “ARE YOU SERIOUSLY DOING THE MONSTER MASH WHILE WE’RE HAVING SEX???”
Me [doing what is clearly a graveyard smash] “…no”
I’m shocked every four years when for some reason everyone I know is an Olympics expert. I’ll go to a party and everyone’s like “Brazil’s sailing team is phenomenal this year”
Me when I’m high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Me when I’m not high: I’ll take seven burritos.
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
I’m definitely a ten
…tative 4
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
Living with downstairs neighbors.. 😅
I could host an elegant dinner party, but I don’t know enough people with simmering tension over long-held secrets to make it worthwhile.
Me: Ugh, I wish I still had a tablet. My phone screen is too small to read books on.
Also me: Guess I’ll read Twitter on my phone for six hours instead…
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard