Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
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You can now buy candy unwrapped and avoid any effort at all to eat it. USA! USA!
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
If I would brush my teeth as vigorously as the people in the toothpaste commercials do, my sink would look like a murder scene.
“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Just ghostbustered some flies with the vacuum – hope you idiots like legos
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
Not to brag but a girl at this party said I look like the Hulk, of course it was when I was turning green from drinking too much, but still…
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
🐕🍷
Life hack: Confuse your doctor by putting on gloves the same time he does
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
I didn’t believe in karma until I was scheduled to work at 6am on a holiday.
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I open a bottle of some condiment when there’s already one open.
me, standing over a dead body with a scalpel: this is fun isn’t it?
coworker: um. this just isn’t what I had in mind when you asked me to open mike night
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
I wish I had the confidence of my mom explaining Instagram to her friend 5 minutes after I told her what Instagram was.
Look, mom, we can keep arguing about whether or not 28 is too old to live your parents but it’s not gonna help us find my iguana any faster.
I saw a man running and started to panic that there was a fire or a bear and then I remembered that some people just do that.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
me: [buying $2 ice cream with $100 bill] is this enough?
cnn: [mashing calculator] oh gosh it’s gonna be close
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
How long before your caterpillars will turn into butterflies?
Me looking at your eyebrows
before you test me just know there are no toddlers allowed in prison and that sounds really nice to me right about now
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.