Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
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I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
Interviewer: What’s your greatest strength?
Incredible Hulk:
Int:
Hulk: Is that a trick question?
No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
March 16
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Text from my mom, after watching my sons all day:
“Did the boys show you the movie they made that’s 17 minutes long and is the most boring thing on earth?”
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
*thousands of puppies flooding onto the battlefield*
General: “STAY STRONG, MEN!”
*soldiers just petting puppies everywhere*
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
We had to cut our 2yo off from YouTube. Like any addict, he hasn’t responded well to going cold turkey but his irises aren’t red anymore so that’s good news.
1998:
– Don’t get in strangers’ cars
– Don’t meet ppl from internet2016:
– Literally summon strangers from internet to get in their car
[Independence Day – 2017]
ALIEN {auto-translated}: We. are. taking. over. the. leadership. of. your. country. Do. not. r—
WILL SMITH: Fine
I bet da Vinci told Mona Lisa to smile more and that’s why he’s dead now.
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
6’5″ guy: [starts a fight with me at the bar]
me: [hides behind GF]
GF: HEY, WHAT THE F-
me: look, we need more strong female lead char-