just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
You Might Also Like
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
What if Harambe was shot by a time traveler trying to prevent Planet of the Apes
Your first mistake was leaving your dessert on the table; your second mistake was trusting me not to eat it.
Im starting to think podcasts may have been a mistake.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
waiter: say when
dracula: ven
other waiter: haha say it again
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
*walks outside*
Its real quiet.. Almost too quiet.
*looks around*
*lights BBQ*
*1000 Dads emerge from nowhere giving generic BBQ advice*
There’s always that one guy
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Ooh, sorry, I totally misunderstood what you meant by “Come at me, bro”.
I’ll get you a towel.
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
Sex is fine, but have you ever completed every single thing on your to-do list?
ME: *hugging my therapy dog* i love you so much
THERAPY DOG: same time next week and i’ll make a note to continue our boundaries discussion
There’s an old man sittin’ next to me
Makin’ love to his napkin and knife
And he’s talkin’ with Davy who’s covered in gravy
And probably will be for lifeSo anyway that’s why you failed your health inspection. You can read the rest in the report.
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
*Door creaks open*
*Faces lean in*Wife: They need more lunch money.
9: And money for the book fair.
17: And gas money.
13: And can you sign this permission slip?Me, from the commode: Guys… can any of this wait ten minutes?
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
me: I saw our neighbor walking his dog at 6 AM and he looked so unhappy
wife: maybe the two are related?
me: no, I think they’re just good friends
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.