if you stand up in a hospital waiting room & loudly announce your name & why you’re there, sometimes another person will do it too
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There’s so much pollen in the air covering everything with a blanket of yellow dust that I thought my wife went blonde.
The “research” scene in every horror movie
I got fired from IKEA for telling every customer, “I have no idea where the item you’re looking for is, but I really do hope you find it”.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
I don’t want to open a can of worms in a china shop but mixed metaphors can be very effective and logical to boot. No bull.
Not saying Lois Lane is a shitty reporter but my friend showed up without his glasses on today and I recognized him after like 20 minutes.
bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns
my new favorite genre of photography is “cats who are auditioning for the role of the body in an Agatha Christie novel.”
PATIENT: How tough was medical school for a dog like you?
DR DOG: *thinking back on all the homework he ate* It wasn’t easy
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
I might not be able to speak another language but I can speak English slower!
I call bullshit, airport baby changing station! I wanted an Asian baby but I’m stuck with the white kid I flew in with.
[creation of bats]
God: stretch out that mouse
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
My kids are yelling and fighting, again.
I really should have Adopted a Highway instead.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
Birds that land and then WALK across the street… what the hell is wrong with you?
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
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