Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
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Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
cab driver: how was your meal?
wife: it didn’t go down as well as we’d hoped
cab driver: that’s too bad
me: *still choking on a fish bone* why is no one helping me?
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Flight delayed due to engine issue heard maintenance guy say “turned it off and back on” oh great I feel very comfortable with that solution ty.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Jay said his mother is a lesbian and came out in support of her same-sex relationship. Rap really has grown up
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
Long story short, I accidentally left the cat in the refrigerator.
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
Ominous music should play when you meet the wrong ppl.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
Me: Happy then grumpy, dopey, bashful, sneezy, sleepy, doc.
Doc: How the hell am I supposed to tackle all those symptoms in a ten-minute consultation?!
Friend is a masseuse. Her speakers broke so she told client she can’t play any music, jokingly offered to sing for him instead. He said, “Just whale song or something will be fine”. Omg. She made whale noises for a full 15 minutes before he got up and complained to her manager
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
How depressed are you on a scale from 1 to “regularly visits song lyrics websites”?