It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
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She says talking to me is like talking to a kid.
Therapist: And how many years has this been going on?
*holds up 6 fingers* This many
I don’t think a single person at the office noticed that I shaved off my mustache. All I heard all day long was, “Where are your pants?”
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
– How was school?
4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions
– laughs
– oh honey– nobody would name their kid Trenton
Them: lastly what’s up with this gap in your résumé?
Me: ah that was the year we got fitted sheets and I…
Them: …yup, say no more.
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
It’s the weekend, baby! Time to sit in my neighbor’s tree and make bird noises
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
The husband has a man cold so I asked if he wanted me to plant a memory garden.
‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who don’t know me‘This guy’s an idiot’
-people who know me
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
I always keep my phone on me in case there’s an emergency or I have to wait for anything for more than 2 seconds.
*finds a sock behind the washing machine*
*plays loud dramatic romantic music as I reunite two socks*
ME: I got you a therapy cat
WIFE: THAT’S A LION!
ME: I wouldn’t yell around Roarschach
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
this isn’t threatening at all
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: *sliding off of elephant* Zoo wants its elephant back?
COP: *nodding* The zoo wants its elephant back.
How single am I? I just took a jar of spaghetti sauce to 7-11 to see if the cashier could open it for me.
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
No, I’m not telling my wife the reason we need a new blender is because I didn’t remove the pit from the avocado, that’s between us.
Why stop at clocks? I set my stapler forward an hour too. Told my shoes it’s Tuesday. My car still thinks it’s 1987.
Quit my job a few years ago because my boss was an idiot. Now I’m self-employed. My boss is still an idiot.
Which rock group has four members, one named George and one that was assassinated?
Mount Rushmore
Just realized the little piggy that went to market was NOT just going shopping so I’mma need to shut it down for a day.
Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help