Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
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I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
It’s getting close to resolution time so I’m stockpiling now
Doritos – my own personal love triangles.
Jehovah’s Witness: Do you have time to talk about Jesus?
Jesus: *In disguise* sure
JW: He’s lame
J: *rips off fake beard* Big mistake pal
Waiter, Waiter, this chicken is nothing but skin and bones.
Would you like the feathers too?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.
Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”
dentist: how much mtn dew have you been drinking?
me: i don’t know why
dentist: because your teeth are snowboarding ok that’s why
My eldest daughter is gifted. Next Christmas she’ll be getting regifted.
Is it weird to shout “Autobots Transform” when changing sex positions? Asking for a friend.
Stop making fast and furious movies.
My high school girlfriend got “uses her kids as her facebook profile picture” fat.
Sure sex is good but have you ever balled your undies up and thrown across the room into the laundry basket first try?
6 said she wanted to play dolls with me, just like she did with her friend on a play date. We were playing for a minute when she looked up at me super adorably and said, “my friend is funner than you”.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
interviewer: why do you want this job?
me: i’m a job guy. love jobs
My kid started doing this annoying preteen whiny voice and now I can turn my head all the way around like the exorcist.
[bar]
me: oh god this is gonna sound weird but would you mind pretending to be my girlfriend when my friends turn up so they don’t think I’m a pathetic loser
wife: no
At his funeral. I lay my hand on your shoulder. I apply pressure, gently, in an attempt to move you from in front of the snack table.
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
Genius move, Romeo & Juliet, for killing yourselves instead of getting married and spending the rest your lives wanting to kill each other.