It’s not about the sacrifices you have to make, it’s about making sure your knife is sharp and they can’t wiggle away.
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When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
I own workout clothes for the same reason my buddies in high school bought condoms: I like to pretend there’s a chance I’ll need them.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
[Halloween]
Lady: what are you this this year?
Me: *dressed as a phone battery meter* I’m at 10% and it’s only 7pm.
Lady: *faints*
I remember in Driver’s Ed. they’d teach you dumb stuff like “hands at 10 & 2” instead of real life important shit like “how to eat a sausage McMuffin while driving with your knees”.
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
You could go camping or you could stay at home, not shower, leave dirt on the floor and let some squirrels in.
me at 20: i’ll do anything.
me at 46: this drive thru has too tight of a turn radius.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
friend: let’s meet up soon
me: *in the crow’s nest of a ship docking outside your house* when though
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
He wants my carcasses apparently.
I think autocorrect won that round.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Hey, NSA, if you’re going to read them, would it kill you to star them?
Twenty bucks to anyone who shows up at my funeral, leans into the casket and says “You okay buddy? Do you want to go get some ice cream?”
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille