This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
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[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
Sleeping is my drug, my bed is my dealer and my alarm is the police.🙃
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
Humans: That made me puke. I’ll never do that again!
Dogs: That made me puke. I’m gonna get into it everyday this week!!
Hit my coworker with “you’re a lucky man” after I saw a picture of his wife just to let him know that I want to sleep with her
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
reservations are so embarrassing like hi i’m here for my spaghetti appointment
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
If there’s a fine line between being too quiet and saying way too much, i’ve never found it
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
I encourage my kids to do well in school so I don’t have to meet with their teachers.
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
Ugh why is my bag so heavy? *goes through bag* ok keys, wallet, book, sandwich, water, anvil, other sandwich, human baby, no I need all this
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
PRIEST: The couple has chosen to write their own vowels
HER: Shouldn’t it be –
HIM: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
FRIEND: Where were you?
ME: I got sick and had to rush to the doctor
FRIEND: Flu?
ME: Nah, just drove really fast
No matter how much milk I buy or when, there is always 1/8 cup left in the carton when I want some.
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
“Clue” is a board game about people trapped in a house and one of them is a homicidal maniac who has just killed. Ages 8 and up.
3YO: She’s eating my sandwich!
Me: Why are you eating her sandwich??
7YO: Because I thought she wasn’t looking!
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.