*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
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I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Years after finishing high school I now know the true importance of punctuation signs
They are for making cute smiley faces
(^_^)/
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
Romeo and Juliet is my favorite story about how when you fall in love, it’s best to just kill yourself.
Can we just call it Zealand now? How long has it been? Move on people
My ear is bleeding because I tried to shave it. Now I have to create some elaborate lie to tell ppl how I cut my ear.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
ad for letuce:
do u- hey do u ever wish u coud eat water
Why is a good book described as a real page turner?
That’s my minimum requirement in a book
Pages that turn
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
I bet when toy makers are coming up with ideas they focus on how much they hated their parents.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
to be perfectly honest, loose dogs seem like the lesser issue here
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
Caught the neighbor kid teasing my dog, so his mom told me to yell at him any time I like.
I had a bad day, I’m gonna go see if he’s home.
beware of dog
(jukin media)
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the “Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down” warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies