Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
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[first day as skydiving instructor]
Me, holding back tears: some of you aren’t gonna make it
You know…for fall…
We were just four regular guys who became legends thanks to karoke night and The Spice Girls
If I was rich I’d have two hedge mazes. One from which there can be no escape. And one for more lighthearted affairs and casual mazing.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
People aren’t pleased if you try to turn a regular funeral into a viking funeral. They’re all like “put down the lighter” and “who are you?”
[first day in prison]
ME: so whatcha in for?
HUGE CELLMATE [menacingly]: beating up nerds who ask too many questions
ME: how many is too many?
HUGE CELLMATE: one
ME: oh no
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
[looking through photos of the kids]
Me: Best thing we’ve ever done
Wife: Having children?
Me: No, buying a camera
Health level: my credit card company called me about fraud because I bought a vegetable.
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
I prefer the Easter Bunny, for starters, he’s not making a list and checking it twice, and more importantly, he’s not watching me when I’m sleeping.
Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?
time as an adult:
Halloween
(2 hours later)
Thanksgiving(5 minutes later)
Christmas
Me: We’re ordering pizza.
8-year-old: This is the best day of my life!
Me: We order pizza every week.
8: I have lots of best days.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
If I wasn’t supposed to drink alcohol with NyQuil, then why did it come with a shot glass?
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
My ambition is to be the last man on earth so that I can find out if all those girls were telling the truth.
Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.
Axl Rose: Where do we go?
Me: Left
Axl: Where do we go now?
Me: Straight.
Axl: Oh, where do we go now?
Me: Damn it, Axl, let me drive!
Get a ring camera so you can yell at your kids when they’re out front and freak them out.