a robber breaking into my house and putting two left shoes on my feet so when I wake up to chase after him I just run in a circle
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Sorry I fell in love when you did your flailing arms dance
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
I’m voting for Bernie Sanders based all on the fact that His fried chicken rules
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Me: So, what was the issue?
Plumber: You had hundreds of Q-tips clogging your toilet.
Me:
Plumber:
Me: *sheepishly* I ran out of toilet paper.
6yr old: *places dolls near me and lays a piece of paper down in front of each of us*
“We’re putting on The Little Mermaid with Ariel, Eric, Ursula, Sebastian And Flounder. Turn over your paper to find out your role.”
Me: *turns paper over, it says “a rock”*
COMPUTER: Your password has expired.
ME: So it’s a passéword.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Beauty & the Beast is my favorite movie because I like books & starting the day with a song about how my neighbors are idiots.
When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
I don’t know where this squirrel’s husband is but he’s in deep shit
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
Gonna teach a bunch of old white guys the word “bae” so teens stop thinking it’s cool and it goes away forever.
My boss said “dress for the job you want, not for the job you have”
Now I am sitting in a disciplinary meeting in my Wonder Woman costume.
On the last picture day I sent my kids to school in nice button up shirts thinking I had things covered but I just got the proofs which are all full body shots showing their sweatpants and dirty sneakers
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.