Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
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{Police Job Interview}
Captain: Go out & kill 5 Blacks, 3 Mexicans & a kitten.
Recruit: Why kill a kitten?
Captain: You’re hired.
Today a man asked me if the bird tattoo on my shoulder was a hummingbird and I said it’s a magpie and he asked “oh black billed or yellow billed?” HEY YOU KNOW WHAT JEREMY YOU CAN’T NOT KNOW A HUMMINGBIRD FROM A MAGPIE ONE MINUTE THEN CRED CHECK ME THE NEXT OKAY?
I can see how that would be whiskey.
Do you have to wine about it though?
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
I finally got to my parents house after a 7 hour drive. It’s 1am. why is my sisters cat watching Pawn Stars?
Just saw my Nana for what will probably be the last time. She’s very healthy but never wants to see me again.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
When people on House Hunters complain about the color of the room are they not aware of the miracle that is paint?
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
My “snooze” button should just be called the “nope, no yoga today” button.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
ME: [just killing it giving my best man speech]
WIDOW: Couldn’t you have written something new?
If a cop is arresting you, just play the national anthem, he’ll be forced to stand still for the whole thing while you get away
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
explaining “the ring” movie to younger generations
me: so you watch this video cassette
them: a what?
m: and then you get a phonecall
t: oh please god no
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
If you don’t know what to say, people absolutely love talking about potatoes
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I generally don’t trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
I’m beginning to think some of you are not your Avi’s, which makes me sad. I thought I had a unicorn and dinosaur friend.
My 5 year old was looking at the meerkats in the zoo amazed and I said “aren’t they so cute” and he was like “I want to cook the babies and make soup.”