Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
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exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Siri: Retweet me.
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
New friend- What do you do for a living?
Me- Disappoint my family.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
#merica
Apparently they don’t want you sipping your beverage from a brown paper bag at work.
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
Jesus: so just a dinner with the boys?
Judas:
I’m no legal expert, but I’m pretty sure people who walk up and stand suuuuper close to you in line are actually supposed to go to jail instead
I am really shocked that there is not a website devoted solely to the most clever Wi-Fi names of all-time.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Deleting dating apps because, if you’re not already sitting on my couch, we’re not meant to be.
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
The best revenge is living well unless you have a crossbow.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
I got a new fitness tracker. Last night at 11pm, it alerted me I only needed 1785 more steps to complete the goal. My friend, no.
“America’s Most Wanted” to return to the airwaves with an NFL edition.
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.