Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
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[God creating the octopus]
Idk, maybe make it look like the time I tried to cram the old pool noddles into a trash bag.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
GOD: YOU ARE BANISHED FOR EATING THE FORBIDDEN FRUIT
Adam: sorry, Eve told me to!
Eve: i didn’t say “apple” i asked you to eat my a–
GOD: THAT ALSO IS FORBIDDEN
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Her: I’m not wearing underwear
Me: good thing I brought extra
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
I may be weird, but everyone needs a buddy who will show up at 2 a.m. and help get the dead zebra out of the septic tank without judging you
ME: do you like it better when I part it down the middle or when I tease it out with styling mousse
HER: how about we just shave your back instead
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
DO NOT PRESS RED BUTTON
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
Dear Diary—
Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”
ME: So when you’re saying mass is it the real you or are you using your altar ego lol
PRIEST: *rolling up his sleeves* Forgive me Lord for what I am about to do
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
Once while eating bacon I said I was “getting piggy with it” and now I have no friends.
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
“A UFO was just shot down 5 miles from my house.”
-Everyone on TikTok
Me: That’s a very interesting sculpture
Her: It’s Mayan
Me: Yes, I know it’s yours. You don’t have to be a jerk about it
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Set my alarm for 2 am to go into my son’s room and tell him it’s raining to repay the favor he let me know this morning.