me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
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*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
Every other type of doctor’s office practically has their own app, meanwhile MRI centers are like “It’s 1998 in here, enjoy your CD”
Yes we left some guests inside the park last night. yes we’re going back for them. Calm down
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
My parents are divorced. I feel fat and all the other girls my age have boyfriends.
Him: Being a teenager is tough.
Me: *sigh* I’m 40.
Instead of a DING DONG sound, I wish my doorbell would explain to the person how much I don’t want to get off the couch.
I love when the Uber driver is overly prepared with water bottles, chargers, asks about temperature and music preferences, etc., then drives how a deer walks after being born
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
my favorite childhood memory is fast metabolism
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
I used to be a champion swimmer who beat every opponent. Then I was born.
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
We buried our grandad with his exercise bike – he’s spinning in his grave.
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Toasters are just Jack in the Boxes for adults.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
When I’m mad at my dog, I watch dog shows on Animal Planet and ignore him.
5-year-old: I wish we all had infinity dollars
Me: That’d wreck the economy
5: I just-
Me: Go to your room until you understand inflation
which bird do you think most deserves to be punched in the face and why is it a goose
I asked my wife suggestions for an exercise routine. She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”
I said: “That’s a…big step.”
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
[inside a tornado]
Dad: wind’s really pickin up
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?