Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
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When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
(meeting for naming cereal)
“List the ingredients; maybe we’ll get inspired.”“Honey, bunches of oats–”
“I think we’re done here.”
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
About to go assert my dominance over the other dads in my neighborhood by washing, waxing and detailing my car, the war has begun
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
christening a ship with an overripe banana
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Unfortunately she wasn’t even looking when I was pulling off those sweet moves on the trampoline.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
“I finally caught up with my son.”
“That’s good. Progress. How did it go?”
“Badly. I cut off his hand THEN told him.”– Vader & therapist
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
If Satan isn’t real then why am I in a group text with my family
I have an important question about the movie CATS which will ultimately determine whether or not I see it:
At any point in the film does one of the CATS cats sit in a cardboard box that is a little too small for them
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
doctor: “how much exercise do you do per week?”
me: “um.. does sex count?
doctor: “yes”
me: “absolutely none”
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
Some kids grab headphones and go to their room when loud construction equipment starts working on their street, and then you have some who grab a drink and a lawn chair and camp out.
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
Terrible things can happen if you go camping. For starters, you could want to go camping again.
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!