every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
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You know what really gets my goat? Chupacabras.
I deal with my problems in the order they were received.
Right now they’re all on hold listening to crappy music.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Taking yesterday’s bad mood on a multi-day tour
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
My kids’ french fries were fried in peanut oil and the way I see it that counts as protein
The more we travel into the mountains the more little critters I see. A rabbit will run across the road, then a squirrel, then a crab. What?
how are we still getting a new year? we couldn’t even take care of the last one
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
Twitter is the only place where you encourage strangers to follow you. What could possibly go wrong?
[in a meeting]
ok a Dracula movie except he’s new in town and biting is illegal but he befriends the pastors daught-
“that’s just Footloose”
Takes the stairs because I preemptively exited an elevator and want to run from my shame
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
Anything is detachable if you pull hard enough.
My Twitter clique is basically five or six people who have mistaken me for someone else.
Deviled eggs is what happens when the wrong person gets you pregnant…
Just remember…once annoying family arrives, the only side dish you’ll need is whiskey and a shot glass.
I’m the kind of guy who brings his phone charger to the party.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
Waiter: I see that your glass is empty, would you like another one?
Me: Why would I want two empty glasses?
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
whoever decided how to spell camouflage is a terrible terrible person
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Sperm 1: “Geez I’m exhausted, how much further to the Fallopian tubes?”
Sperm 2: “A long way, we’ve just passed the tonsils…”
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice