Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
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Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
[alternative timeline]
Art teacher: you’re expelled from art school
Hitler: [clenches fists]
Subway manager: [taps him on shoulder] what if I told you you can still be an artist
Having survived numerous mysterious strangers attempting to kill him as a child, Hitler swore revenge on a cruel world.
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
doctor: can you bend down and touch the ground with your fingertips
me: [struggling] nope
doctor: try without the stilts
Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7
If you call me hysterical, you better mean funny cuz I keep my knives sharp.
Mom can you come pick me up? My in-laws are being racist again
for years you mocked us, you made fun of our over-sized purses full of goldfish crumbs, our hair ties on our wrists, our jackets just in case, but who do you need now? who has 6 half-full containers of hand-sanitizer stored in old bags around the house? that’s right. moms.
I hate when you get hit by a car while walking down the street and texting and no one is in the car and it’s parked on the side of the road.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
Jokes on you, inflation, I’ll never stop buying peanut butter.
CYCLOPS: what’s that screaming?
PROF. X: I maxed out the difficulty in the danger room
WOLVERINE: [running through the aisles of a virtual grocery store trying to avoid talking to neighbors, old class mates, and ex gfs] NOOOOOOOOOO
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Chase scenes in movies will be extremely quiet, once electric cars become mainstream.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.