*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
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Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Found a page in 14 year old me’s journal in which I wrote “And the killer is—-.” The rest of the pages are blank. I hate 14 year old me.
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
11-year-old: I’m bringing my saxophone home from school tomorrow.
Me: Why?
11: To practice making sounds.
Me: You mean notes?
11: No. We haven’t learned those yet.
Lucky us.
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
#gameofthrones greatest achievement this season: getting us to root for a guy to hook up with a woman we all knew was his aunt.
I don’t often find an occasion to work the word “repugnant” into casual conversation, but you’ve inspired me.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
Getting older is weird.
It’s like your brain remembers how much fun things were when you were younger, but your body is all like, Nope
I plan to scary-haunt anyone who says “she wouldn’t want us to be sad” at my funeral. If you’re not sad that I’m gone forever you deserve it
[school]
Ok class, what was Abraham Lincoln most famous for doing? Billy?“Abolishing slavery.”
And…
“Slaying vampires.”
Very good.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
Cop: Lets go, boys, no meth in this house.
*zoom to fish tank*
Fish 1: *nods*
Fish 2: [taps on pirate ship] Resume cooking, Lenny.
*bubbles*
Her: I wish you’d just grow up.
Me: That’s a horrible thing to wish upon someone.
we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
Baby proofing is like trying to plug a giant hole with your finger, much more effective is to duct tape your child to the floor in the middle of an empty room
Any real fan knows the T in Thor is silent.
*me swallowing my fourth wet t-shirt*
This contest is hard
[first day as a wizard]
me: babe I said I was sorry
frog: >:(
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
noah’s wife: so, how’s your little project going?
noah: little project? {he sighs, grabs his plate & gets up from the table} i’m going to eat dinner in my room
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh