Imagine if a centipede had to cut its toenails.
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*Takes our kid away so my wife can have a break*
*Takes kid to pub*
*Bumps into wife at pub*
I’d pay double for a Roomba that had a “follow child” option
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
[At vet]
Me: My dog has been throwing up what looks like egg shells.
Vet: What have you been feeding him?
Me: Egg shells.
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Arguing with a woman is like being attacked by a bear…
You’re better off playing dead and hoping they get bored and walk away!
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
If anyone is feeling hysterical please stop by my house and I will slap you
[on date]
*okay don’t let her know you’re a T-Rex*
Her: Can you pass the salt please?
Me: Crap…
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
[zombie wedding]
Groom: *lifts veil*
Bride: That was my face.
Groom: *lowers face*
If a snake ate a cake
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
I had a jacket stolen from me tonight. My enemies will stop at nothing to keep me from maintaining a comfortable body temperature in style
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
Mom: Do you have any idea how painful it was to carry you in my womb for 9 months?
Me: If the last time I hurt you was 37 years ago, I’d say you’re winning in this relationship.
Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours