*gets several new followers on Sunday
*adds Jesus to resume
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When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
Most days I wish I were an octopus so I could slap 8 people at once.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
One day I’m gonna write a book about a recipe blogger that confesses to murder in every single recipe on their website but they never get caught because no one reads the 12 pages of text before the recipe.
Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.
It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
I like how the dude in the next self-checkout lane is trying to disarm me with small talk like we don’t both know this is a goddamn race
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
While editing, I was trying to write: “maybe this should be in bold, for emphasis”, and instead wrote “in blood”. Still works!
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
The toughest test in a marriage is interpreting the statement, “Don’t get me anything for Christmas.”
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
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People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
Husband and I were blissfully happy for 25 years.
Then we met.
Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale
Wife: it’s adorable
Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
[wife calls]
did you write “make all the traps from home alone” on the calendar
[me at hardware store holding paint cans and feathers] “no”
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
Times I’ve gone out to the garbage since she threw away a fur pillow: 2
Times I’ve leapt back thinking an animal was in the garbage: 2
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241