I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
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Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
I opened a new package of Oreos and ate half of it which is bad because now I need to eat the other half and bury the empty package in the garbage, or my family will know that I ate half a package of Oreos in one night.
[commenting under wife’s facebook status where she thanks everyone for coming to our son’s bday party] do we have any mustard?
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
Death is not the end.
You still have to dispose of the body and hide the evidence.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
everyone is saying “i wouldn’t touch this topic with a ten foot pole” and nobody is stopping to think about me, the guy who makes his living selling ten foot poles. my children are starving because you can’t come up with a take.
April showers bring may flowers. What did the Mayflower bring? Smallpox
People say “Home is where the heart is”.
Actually though, the heart is between the lungs in the middle of the chest, behind and slightly to the left of the sternum.
Idiots.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Single and childfree like Jesus
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
[sunset]
Me: [skips chicken nugget across a pristine lake]
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
*Vacuums for three minutes*
“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Don’t stand in the rain if you’re stuck in a shit storm
PREGNANT CASHIER: Have a great day
ME: Thanks, have a great baby
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit