Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
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You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
My son asked to read one of my scripts three weeks ago. Still hasn’t read it. I can’t believe I’m raising a studio executive.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
My husband: When have I ever steered us wrong?
*Flashback to 2014*
My husband: Trust me, investing a huge chunk of our life savings in RadioShack is going to make us millionaires.
Lots of people ask me why I’m still single and I don’t tell them anything, I just hang around them for a few minutes
I baked a carrot cake that tasted so delicious that it improved my eyesight with just one slice.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
My son just said, “Peace on Earth, goodwill to men,” and shot me in the face with a Nerf™️ gun.
The five years of life you gain by eating healthy are spent preparing healthy food.
Put all your neighbors names on your Halloween tombstones in your front yard and wink when you’re outside and they walk by.
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
i’ve grown my mustache down over my mouth and all the other ventriloquists here are wondering why they never thought of that before
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
Why is called an “extraction” and not an “amputeeth”?
[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
“I know exactly how you feel.”
*staring at a deflated giant inflatable snowman
Me: why are you not drinking your milk?
3: it’s too cow-ey
Green is just blue that someone peed in
Me: I’m going to have a shower
3: I’ll give you two minutes
Always take one positive friend & one negative friend on road trips. Then if your battery dies, you can hook cables to them & start your car
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Twitter is like a rocking chair.
It gives you something to do
and takes you nowhere
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*